I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
