Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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