Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
