i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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