i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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