did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
