Can i not drive my cunt home
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
