barbara walters just said penis...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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