just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
