discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
