i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
