I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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