Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
