I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
