took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
