I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
