Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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