Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
