Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
