What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
