i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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