How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
