I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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