I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
