It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
