yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
