this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
