I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
