shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
