I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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