Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
