I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
