I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
