She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Randomize
