guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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