shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
sex in a hospital.. check
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
