Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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