Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
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