Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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