dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i think i scared a bird with my dick
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
