Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
