Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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