not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
