if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
