my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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