Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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