I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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