He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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