ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
