I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
